


Butts Save the Day (But Not In the Way You Think)

by DomesticatedChaos



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: #SayNoToHYDRACap, Crack, Gen, Steve Rogers does have a magnificent butt, Writer Clint, lots of talk about erotica but no actual sex, no really this is mostly crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-27
Updated: 2016-05-27
Packaged: 2018-07-10 15:00:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6990139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DomesticatedChaos/pseuds/DomesticatedChaos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the wake of the Hydra!Cap comic scandal, Steve needs a pick-me-up. Clint decides to let him in on a little project he had undertaken. Steve doesn’t really know what to do with this information.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Butts Save the Day (But Not In the Way You Think)

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to Chuck Tingle, because he’s my hero, too.
> 
> As always, thank you [mikkimouse](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mikkimouse/pseuds/mikkimouse) for the help and beta and moral support and the thousand other things you do for me. Love you bb! :D

Steve stared at the computer screen.

“Um. So the thing. I was telling you about? That I did? This is it. Do you, do you see?” Clint didn’t usually stammer, but he was doing it now. If Steve wasn’t so utterly flummoxed by what he was seeing on the screen before him, he would have said something to put Clint at ease. As it was, Clint just fidgeted nervously while Steve… stared.

There was a web page. The homepage for an author, whose name was Nate Roman. Who seemed to write exclusively porn.

Porn about superheroes.

Specifically one superhero named Roger Stevens. Who had sex with… just about everybody. Apparently.

And who looked suspiciously a lot like himself.

“Nate Roman,” Steve said, in lieu of anything else. “Natasha is going to kill you.”

Clint let out a slightly crazed laugh. “Who do you think edits these?”

Steve reached forward, and scrolled the page. There were four books out, a pretty impressive number considering the first one hit digital shelves only seven weeks ago.

“Um.” It was the only thing he could think of to say.

“Look, I, I mean I know it’s weird. It’s weird! Right?” Clint laughed nervously. “But I figured, you know, with the whole comic book snafu--”

Steve stiffened immediately. He had never exactly been comfortable with the idea of people making a comic book about his life, but he had felt, at least up until now, that people found hope and comfort in it, that the comic had been just another way Captain America could reach out to people. They had started the comic after he had gone into the ice, and when he was miraculously found and all-but-resurrected, he figured what was the harm in letting them continue publishing?

Until, of course, yesterday’s issue came out, revealing that “Cap” had secretly been a Nazi (HYDRA=Nazis, no matter what the comic book people wanted to claim otherwise) all along.

Now, allowing them to continue use his name and face seemed like a terrible idea. Thank God for Tony’s literal army of attorneys, who were, even as he stood in Clint’s bedroom, putting paperwork together for the biggest lawsuit in Stark, corporate or otherwise, history. He’d be with them right now if it hadn’t been for Tony kindly informing him he was stressing the lawyers out. He had been sort of wandering aimlessly around the Avengers common room when Clint found him with a harried look on his face.

And then Clint had brought Steve to his room and showed him his computer.

“Anyway, I figured you could, you know, use some good news? Or something sort of funny?” He laughed nervously.

Steve blinked. “Um.” It really was the only coherent thing he could think of to say. He turned back to Clint finally. “Are they… supposed to be me?”

Clint winced. “Sort of? I mean, yeah, I guess. They’re… best sellers?”

Steve blinked again. He turned back to the computer screen. Four novels.  _ Roger Stevens Bangs a Hot Genius Billionaire Playboy Philanthropist. Roger Stevens and the Attack of the Gay Agenda. Roger Stevens Saves America with the Power of His Butt. Roger Stevens Does Wizards (Until They Come). _

“Best sellers?”

“Seriously. This was just supposed to be a joke. But people really like them?” Clint shrugged. “I was kind of wanting to put like, a counterpoint to the whole Fox News vibe people get when it comes to you and, well. Yeah.” He waved a hand at the computer. “Congratulations? People really love reading stuff where you save the world with the power of your sweet butt-loving?”

The handsome stock photo model that Clint had used to make his covers smiled coyly back at Steve. The photoshop skills were… amateur, but not bad. “You wrote,” Steve swallowed thickly, “About me saving the world by sleeping with people?”

“Er… yeah.”

“And they’re best sellers.”

“Uh huh.”

Steve frowned at Clint. “I get… why.” He shook his head. “But. Why?”

Clint stepped next to him and reached for the computer. In a couple of seconds he brought up another page--one on Amazon, with lists upon lists of books for sale. Every title had a very common theme. 

“ _ Space Raptor Butt Invasion _ ?” Steve read. “ _ Helicopter Man Pounds Dinosaur Billionaire Ass _ ?” There were 81 of them. Steve boggled at the thought.

“Yeah, Chuck Tingle, he’s kind of my hero?” Clint said. “I guess, I dunno. I wanted to do what he’s doing.”

Steve straightened away from the computer. He folded his arms across his chest, and thought. Clint though, must have seen the pensive look on his face and immediately panicked.

“You’re not mad, are you?”

Steve shook his head. “No.” And he wasn’t. Not really. “You’re not making me hurt people or anything, right? In the stories?”

Clint frantically shook his head. “No, man. No, you bring people to the side of Good with the sweet, sweet powers of your magnificent butt.” And with that, Clint turned bright magenta. “I mean, not that I’ve--I mean, you gotta admit you have--but not in a--goddamnit.”

And Steve finally, finally let out the laugh that had been building up inside him since Clint showed him his author page. It shocked Clint for sure, Steve’s sudden bark of laughter, but Steve couldn’t help it. The look on Clint’s face. The books themselves. The fact that they were apparently  _ best sellers  _ and all about  _ him saving America with copious amounts of sex. _

He clapped Clint on the shoulder. “Thank you. This is brilliant. I’m kind of ashamed I didn’t think of it myself.”

And Clint broke out into the widest smile Steve had ever seen on him. “No problem. I mean, I did kind of-- thanks.”

Steve patted him once more before turning and walking out of Clint’s room. He had a pretty good idea how he was going to be spending the rest of his afternoon.

***

Later that evening, after a rather tense Avengers-family dinner where everyone seemed unwilling to discuss The Comic Situation and yet it was clearly on everyone’s minds, Steve followed Tony into the offices he kept on the Avengers floors of the Tower. Tony rose an eyebrow as Steve carefully and quietly swung the door shut behind them.

“Something on your mind, Cap?” Tony’s tone was light, but Steve caught how his eyes darted over to the liquor cabinet, like he thought he might need something… bracing.

“Yeah.” Steve walked right past Tony to his desk, and turned on his computer. He went right for Clint’s author page. The books seemed even more surreal when projected on holographic screens.

Tony gaped at the images. It’s probably a lot what Steve looked like when he saw them earlier. “What?”

“They’re books,” Steve explained. “About me. Pretty thinly veiled.” He forced his face into some semblance of calm. “I save the world with the power of my beautiful butt.”

To his credit, Tony’s reaction was immediate. He dove for the computer. “Oh my god, really? Are these eroticas? Holy shit, I need this.”

Steve stopped fighting the grin building on his face. “I thought you’d might like them.”

Tony purchased the first novel and had it displayed prominently in front of him before he stopped. He stared at the cover. If Steve had to guess, he’d say that Tony hadn’t actually read the title of the book until this very moment.

“Uh, Steve?”

Steve bit his lip, trying to keep from laughing. “Yes Tony?”

“Is this a thinly veiled reference to me?” He waved his hands at the ‘Hot Genius Billionaire Playboy Philanthropist’ part of the title.

“Yup.”

“Huh.” Tony hadn’t sounded so caught off guard since the time he had been hit in the face by a fish. Steve just barely contained a laugh.

“I’ll leave you to it.” He patted Tony’s shoulder amicably, then walked around the desk, heading towards the door. He stopped, though, and turned back to face Tony. “They’re actually pretty good. A bit juvenile in places but… Pretty hot.”

Tony gaped at him. Steve knew he was blushing, but there was another part of him that just didn’t care. He winked at Tony. “Have fun,” he offered, and made his escape.

“Huh,” Tony said again.

**

Clint woke up when the mid-morning sun hit his face. And like every morning for the past seven weeks (at least the ones where he wasn’t being pulled out of bed because some supervillain decided to stomp around and ruin his day) the very first thing Clint did was check his email for any news on his how books were doing.

Yesterday alone he sold another 30 copies. Two better than the day before.

“Sweet action, I’m getting pizza tonight.” Clint hummed happily as he scrolled through his inbox. He found, pretty quickly, that he had several new reviews.

A five-star on caught his eye. The reviewer’s name was, apparently,  _ Actual_Steve_Rogers _ . Heart in his throat, Clint clicked on it.

“Nate Roman, while maybe not the most polished of authors, is one of the more poignant and entertaining reads I’ve ever experienced. His masterful use of SWEET LOVING and BEAUTIFUL BUTTS as a catalyst to bring hope and healing in a world all too often filled with unnecessary violence and hate is _ inspired _ . And if he feels the need to use my image in order to make these long, vigorous, sweat-filled sex scenes interspersed with real political and social dialogue become a literary reality, then so be it. As far as I’m concerned, Roman uses the symbol of Captain America more deftly and more brilliantly than anyone else in history, both ancient and modern.

Really, a truly great piece of work. The literary world may never be the same again. Captain America wholeheartedly approves.

\- Capt. Steve Rogers”

Clint was absolutely  _ not _ tearing up at that. No. Definitely not.

He sniffled. “Next book, I promise, I’m making you President, Cap.” He closed out of his email and opened up his docs folder. “Just right after you bang these Transformers.”

Today was going to be a good day.

END

**Author's Note:**

> (after-credits scene:)
> 
> Of course, by that afternoon, Clint was starting to regret the review.
> 
> Okay, not really. Just the attention that it brought.
> 
> _Apparently_ Steve had a habit of reviewing the books he read. And _apparently_ he had quite the following of people who paid attention to his opinions. And _apparently_ such an amazing review meant that _everyone and their freaking dog_ knew about Roger Stevens, the Man That Bangs Everything.
> 
> Clint had emails--plural!--requesting interviews with Nate Roman.
> 
> Geez, even Buzzfeed was asking him for quotes.
> 
> “I told you this was going to blow up in your face,” Natasha said drily.
> 
> Clint nodded. The movement was mostly hindered due to him being face down on Natasha’s bed. He hasn’t moved since he threw himself down on it after he barged into Natasha’s room. He figured that she didn’t mind because she hadn’t stabbed him yet. They had such a simple relationship.
> 
> He turned his face just enough that the words wouldn’t be muffled by the pillow. "Nat, help me."
> 
> "Oh, Clint..." She leaned over and patted him gently on the arm. Then she smiled serenely. "No. You get to dig yourself out of this one on your own."
> 
> Clint turned back into the pillow and groaned. "Dammit Steve. You're not president anymore."
> 
> -
> 
> Come find me on [Tumblr ](http://domesticated-chaos.tumblr.com) and [Twitter!](http://www.twitter.com/ErisOReilly)


End file.
